My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
