His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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