made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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