Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You are the jesus of drinking
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
