I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
