I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
