What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
