Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
