dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
