Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
sex in a hospital.. check
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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