Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
