I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
