I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
