i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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