Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Plan B is the new Plan A
this beer tastes like vomit already
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
