BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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