she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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