I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
