phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
