were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
