wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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