Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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