I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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