I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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