i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
