woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
