So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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