omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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