I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
