In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize