found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Alive.
So much puke
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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