ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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