he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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