I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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