At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize