I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
