At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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