Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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