I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
