I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
