i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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