The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
