The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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