Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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