his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
