HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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