We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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