dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
