How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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