When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
