He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
