mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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