I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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