No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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