He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
