you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
