yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
