i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
then he tried to convert me to islam
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
